long gone day

I am the artist known as evilpizza.

Hey there. I'm Richard, age 25. Call me Rich, Rick, but only a select few can call me Dick. I like all sorts of shit. Huge Alice in Chains fan, just in case you didn't know. I'm a pretty cool guy (or so I've been told). I live in a little town called Port Orchard in Washington State. What else to say...I have no freakin' clue.

Frustration

It really angers me when I have to find things out through Facebook even though it’s highly important. It angers me further when I have to tell my dad about what I just read on Facebook and nobody told him, even though it’s his own mother. 

My grandma fell and getting back up cracked ribs, and then she fell again and broke her pelvis. The docs at the hospital sent her home due to it being an “untreatable condition” (what kind of shit is that?). Most likely she’s going to end up having to go to a home, as there’s no money for in home care. 

I admit I have made debts with my grandma, via myself and my dad having to borrow money because I hadn’t been able to work. I feel horrible and guilty about it all, and I had a gigantic falling out with my sister over it. Once my best friend, those things no longer exist. She aimed her guns and set out to blackball me more than I deserve. As a teenager, I felt like the black sheep of my family, and now as an adult I feel like I’ve been black sheeped again. 

I love my grandma to death, and my sister has made me terrified of going to visit her because I have no idea of what to expect anymore. The unknowns of whether there will be conflict or not scares me beyond what I even should be scared of. I get panicked really easily over it. 

My family seems to be unraveling on my dad’s side of my family, and somehow I’ve implanted the thought that every single thing that has and is going wrong is now my fault or the blame will be aimed at me. I mean, my sister only knows the things my dad has told her, and quite frankly when my dad speaks it boils down to me. He chews me out constantly, so I can only imagine what my dad tells her is reminiscent of that. 

I sacrificed a lot of my life to be there for my grandma when we threw my half-brother out of her house, but none of it matters anymore. It’s like it never happened anymore. Years later, and I’m still dealing with some of the repercussions of that time of my life. 

The only thing I feel I’m able to do is act with apathy towards my sister, but deep inside, I don’t want to be apathetic. I want to reach out with the true empathy that I feel inside. It’s conflicting whether to stand my ground or just say “fuck it” and reach out. 

/end rant

  1. evilpizza posted this